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 The More Things Change (03 JAN 2008) 
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Joined: Thu May 13, 2004 4:27 pm
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Post The More Things Change (03 JAN 2008)
Ah, apathy my old friend - still with me after all these years.

So 2008 is upon us, and as I muse on the years gone by I see that, still, nothing has changed. Perhaps nothing ever will, I don't know. As more and more time passes, it becomes more and more difficult to remember those days when I was happy, when I was normal, when I was alive.

It's one thing to be depressed, distraught, but struggling against the darkness. Fighting to keep going, to overcome, to somehow reconnect with the great human family and rejoin life. I've had a few periods of that, over the years (15 years now since things fell apart). But since I've moved, probably since well before that, the fight is simply gone out of me.

I sleep. I wake. I eat. I sleep again. I think there might be the occasional tv show or video game in there somewhere, but everything tends to blur.

I have no shortage of ways to improve my life, to fight back: Pray. Write. Read. Exercise. Volunteer. Find a new hobby. Get back into karate. Join a club. Get a job. Really, pretty much anything. What I do have a shortage of is the will to do any of those things, the energy to actually lift a finger in my own defense. I simply - don't care.

I'm like a man on fire, only inches from a swimming pool full of water, but I just can't be bothered to move even as my flesh bubbles and pops.

Maybe someday I'll find the energy. Maybe I won't. Somehow, it just doesn't matter.

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Wed Jan 02, 2008 11:25 pm
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Post Re: The More Things Change (03 JAN 2008)
Hey Mook,

I don't know your story, and probably never will, but let me share some of mine with you. Maybe it will help, just a little.

About 2 1/2 years ago in July my daughter was born, we were happy. Seemed like nothing could go wrong, with my wife and I working we made a hefty (for our area $55k a year). We had our baby-sitter set, for when my wife returned to work after her maternity leave, everything was great.

Then about 3 weeks before my wife's maternity leave ended, our baby-sitter backed out and said they couldn't help. We hadn't looked at any day cares at all, and any of the good ones have ~3 month waiting list.

With no one else to help, and no way we could afford to put our daughter in any of the good day cares, we made the decision that my wife would work from home.

On paper we would make it by the skin of our teeth. On paper.

Fast forward 6 months, one of our vehicles got repo'd. Yeah we had 2 car payments, but on paper we should have made it.

Then we got so short on money, we were borrowing from my brother, just to buy our little girl formula since she couldn't handle breast milk. I was trying to work from home because I couldn't afford gas to go to work.

Then came more news that hit us like a ton of bricks. My wife was pregnant again, even though we'd been careful, apparently not careful enough.

I was only making $27k and so it went that she moved back in with her parents, and I stayed in Omaha and worked. For the next 4 months I got to see my wife/daughter on weekends only. All the time still not truly able to pay bills.

Fast forward to my son being born. Great time in my life, also a very bad time. Creditors calling every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day to try to get their money. We should have made it on paper. My wife was deeply depressed, my daughter hated Sunday nights, because that's when daddy had to leave.

One final fast forward, this time to the 18th of December, my wife and I's bankruptcy is filed, it was a tough decision, but we did what we had to.

Now, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, life is starting to have color again. And we had a really good Christmas.

I guess what I'm saying is hang in there, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it some times. Keep your head up, keep your faith in life, and remember, it will get better.

I've been telling my wife that for the last 2 years, and it finally is.


Tue Jan 08, 2008 2:02 pm
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Post Re: The More Things Change (03 JAN 2008)
Hiya jamesmor - thanks for posting that, it was unexpected. So much of this site is dedicated to games and fluffy stuff, I usually just feel like a whiny emo whenever I post stuff about my life. Like I'm intruding on my own good times. But it's all TheMook.Net, good and bad, fluffy and not.

Anyway, I'm so glad to hear that things are finally looking up for you and your family! That's awesome - I can't imagine how tough it must be being away from your family like that.

I know there are folks out there who have it much rougher than me, even much rougher than you, but even though logically I know that should help me put things in perspective and be a little more thankful - well, it just never seems to.

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Tue Jan 08, 2008 9:12 pm
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Post Re: The More Things Change (03 JAN 2008)
Hey Scar,

I have battled with anxiety and depression most of my life and it is tough to work the issues out. Have you ever considered professional help? I just helped a friend of mine with the same stuff and now she is doing fine with a low dose of Paxil. Sometimes I wish I lived in simpler times as society ,with it's artificially imposed rules messes with our hard-wired brains, which evolved during our nomadic days thousands of years ago.

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Wed Jan 09, 2008 10:55 am
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Post Re: The More Things Change (03 JAN 2008)
Hiya Darwin. :mrgreen:

I was on a couple different meds at a couple different times in the past, but once I lost my job (and insurance) that stopped. Those around me seemed to think they helped, I'm not sure whether I think they did or not. 8)

Once I'm employed again with insurance I'll probably look back into it.

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Wed Jan 09, 2008 5:53 pm
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Post Re: The More Things Change (03 JAN 2008)
Cool brother!

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Wed Jan 09, 2008 6:43 pm
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