The More Things Change…
Ah, apathy my old friend - still with me after all these years.
So 2008 is upon us, and as I muse on the years gone by I see that, still, nothing has changed. Perhaps nothing ever will, I don’t know. As more and more time passes, it becomes more and more difficult to remember those days when I was happy, when I was normal, when I was alive.
It’s one thing to be depressed, distraught, but struggling against the darkness. Fighting to keep going, to overcome, to somehow reconnect with the great human family and rejoin life. I’ve had a few periods of that, over the years (15 years now since things fell apart). But since I’ve moved, probably since well before that, the fight is simply gone out of me.
I sleep. I wake. I eat. I sleep again. I think there might be the occasional tv show or video game in there somewhere, but everything tends to blur.
I have no shortage of ways to improve my life, to fight back: Pray. Write. Read. Exercise. Volunteer. Find a new hobby. Get back into karate. Join a club. Get a job. Really, pretty much anything. What I do have a shortage of is the will to do any of those things, the energy to actually lift a finger in my own defense. I simply - don’t care.
I’m like a man on fire, only inches from a swimming pool full of water, but I just can’t be bothered to move even as my flesh bubbles and pops.
Maybe someday I’ll find the energy. Maybe I won’t. Somehow, it just doesn’t matter.
April 7th, 2008 at 9:37 am
It seems to me that you need someone or something to light a fire under that ass of yours! I don’t know if this will help or hurt but I suppose it’s worth a shot to atleast say it. I DO remember you when you were happy and alive. You were THE most caring individual I knew and also my hero. You made me laugh (until I nearly peed, as I recall) and always kept my spirits up even when it seemed like there was no hope in sight. You were ‘Mook the Savior’ to me. I know what happened was hard (and may she burn in hell for it) but there’s a time to mourn and then a time to LET IT GO! Be the Mook you once were and rise above this shit. I know you can do it homie. Forgive me for saying so but I miss the old Mook. I wonder if you realize how many of us do…
April 7th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I want to be the old Mook again, I do - I’d settle for being even half that man. I miss him too.
It’s not a case though of still being hung up on an old love, or hanging on to those wounds - if only it were that easy. But truth be told, I barely even remember my ex-wife, or what married life was like. Never even occurs to me, it’s like another lifetime ago, or a dream.
It seems more like, let’s say, getting hit by a truck, dragged for 200 yards, and living. You’ll always walk with a limp, 5 years later, 20 years later, but you’re not still thinking about the accident every day - it’s just who you are now.
That’s what I feel like - like somehow I’ve just become this person who always limps, never feels happy, even though the cause of the wound has faded away 10 times over, the wound itself remains.
And I know I let you down, big time, to the core, when ‘Mook the Savior’ became ‘Mook the Never-Ending Drain and Baggage’. You wrote in reply to Gygax’s passing that “It is always a sad day in life when an idol fades”, and when I read that, ego aside, the first thing I thought of was me and you.
Some days I think my life will be better in 10 years, some days I don’t, some days I laugh at the thought that I’ll still be around that long. It comes, it goes - but what do you say about a man who sees the problems, sees the solutions, and doesn’t do one single thing about it?